the truth

Currently Listening to : Unbreakable - Fireflight
Currently Feeling : Very full o.O

Okay, I'm here to finally clear the air about my relationship with Hafis, the boy that I apparently loved so much, and who apparently loved me too.

The truth is :

I was a third person.

Yep, I was. I didn't want to be. I felt disgusted with myself the whole time. I knew it would just kill the other girl. But he promised he would leave her, and I was naive enough to trust him and became vulnerable to all his words. I did many things for our relationship to work. None of which I will mention. But NOOO it had nothing to do with sex okay. HAHAHA.

But anyway, he never really treated me nicely. I was constantly crying myself to sleep like an idiot, thinking about the last hurtful remark he made at me. We hardly spoke to each other, and when we did it was only briefly. We didn't message much coz he didn't like texting. I can go on and on about why we weren't a happy couple.

After two months together, I knew it in my heart that he won't leave her. So I ended it. Being a third person in his relationship took a huge emotional toll on me. What was worse is that I could see his girlfriend writing all those sad stuff about him cheating on her on her MySpace. And I could imagine the hurt I would feel if I were in her shoes.

So yeah, I left him. And now he hates me. Well I can't blame him really. I DID promise never to leave him bla bla bla but I just couldn't take the way he was treating me and also the fact that he was probably using me to break up with his girlfriend. So yeah, he hates me, and never wants to see my face ever again. He also regrets knowing me and he'll never want to meet anyone like me again. I'm a liar, and can never be trusted again. And NO, there's no way we shall ever be friends again.

Damn, I must suck big time.

All those things he said to me after the break up really hurt me and bruised my big fat ego so I cried quite a lot. But there was this guy who was there for me. He called me and talked to me and assured me that everything was going to be okay.

He's been a friend for almost 6 months but we've never met. He's really sweet and the most caring person I know. So we finally decided to meet up. He turned out to be really tall, nicely built, sweet smile, blurrish face, cute hair. HAHAHA. Okay, getting to the point.

He said he has had a crush on me for a long long time. And honestly? I felt the same for him, I just didn't realise it.

Oh and guess what? He asked me to be his girlfriend and kissed me after that ;DDD
I can't tell you how happy I was :)

So yeah, you may think whatever it is you want to think of me, but yes, I have a new boyfriend. Mohammad Aqil, you're the only one for me.

Olympics 2008

Currently Listening to : Closer - Ne-Yo
Currently Feeling : So-so

Sooo, Malaysia finally got a medal, although it wasn't gold, but hey, Lee Chong Wei did his best and we're all proud of him.
Dad and I were jumping in our seats as we watched the match. Haha, Lin Dan was super good, and gave no mercy at all. But I think Lee Chong Wei could have done better. Oh well, I was kinda looking forward to listening to our national anthem if we won gold :D
It would have been our first gold ever in the Olympics eh. How awesome would that have been lol.
By the way, does anyone know when softball/baseball will start? And also that dancing thing with the ribbons? What are those called again? HAHAHA.
For those who missed them match, here are some pictures :)

Lin Dan was super happy when he won. I think he kecoh sangat laa, he knew he was gonna win whaat -.-

See what I said?

Go Lee Chong Wei! :)

Oh, I got this off Beatrice's blog :)

Gluttony

1. Do you think you eat more than you should? Yeah, I do. Too much for lunch, too much for dinner and always too much for supper.
2. What is your favorite meal? Lunch, I have no idea why. Always looking forward to lunch.
3. What did you have for dinner today (or yesterday)? Hokkien Mee.
4. What is your favorite dessert? I like ice-cream. And brownies to go with that :D
5. Can you cook well? I hate fire, so no.
6. Are you a fruit or veggie person? Both. I eat healthy when I can ;)
7. What is your favorite restaurant to go to? Anything that serves good food.
8. Do you feel comfortable with your weight? No, not really.
9. Are you vegetarian or vegan? Erm, no.
10. Describe your normal eating habits. I eat too much.

Lust

1. How much do you find yourself thinking about sex? HAHAHA quite often, actually.
2. Are you a virgin? Yes.
3. If not, who did you lose your virginity to and when? -
4. Do you believe you should be in love to have sex? Of course. How dumb not to be.
5. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? Oh, erm. No comment lol.
6. What's the first thing you look for in a boy/girl? Fashion. No idea why. Hahaha.
7. Do you have any special fantasies? Woooh, yes I dooo ;))
8. Have you been in lust more than love? Never.
9. Would you have sex with more than one person? At one time? Hahahah noo.
10. Who have you lust for? For me to know, For you to not know :D [Ayat Beatrice :)]

Greed

1. What do you want more than anything right now? A SLR camera la grrr.
2. Does money play an important part of your life? Of course. Same goes for everyone else.
3. What are your goals for the future? I wanna be useful. Bwahahaha.
4. Do you think money is more important than love? Oh, not to me. I think.
5. If you were given one million dollars right now, what would you do with it? FIRST THING'S FIRST. A SLR CAMERA LAA FCKKKK.
6. Has anyone ever called you spoiled or greedy? Yeah, but I'm not thnkuvrymch.
7. Do your parents have a lot of money? No.
8. How much money do you spend in one week? I try to save as much as I can.
9. Do/would you share with people that are less fortunate? Yeah, I always do.
10. Have you ever robbed someone? No, I'm nice.

Sloth

1. Have many people called you lazy? Yeah, teachers, friends, parents and even my sister. So yeah.
2. How much sleep do you get at night? 3 hours.
3. Do you often take naps in the middle of the day? Yeah, coz I only sleep 3 hours every night.
4. What was the most depressing time of your life? Exams + a break up. At the same time.
5. What is the best way to relax? Singing at the top of my lungs :)
6. Would you consider yourself more of a follower or leader? Leader. Haha.
7. Would you consider yourself a caring person? Yeah, I care alot about stuff. Even petty stuff. Coz those are the things that matter most.
8. What time do you go to bed at night? Erm, school nights about 2. Holidays, I hardly sleep. HAHA.
9. What do you waste most of your time doing? Online.
10. Would you rather go out somewhere or stay home? GO OUT.

Wrath

1. Who was the last person you were upset with? My grandfather. Still am.
2. What is the meanest thing you’ve ever done to someone? Ohh, loads of stuff. Most of them in primary coz I would just do stuff this girl would tell me to do.
3. Do you hate anyone? Sorry to say, but yeah.
4. Are you angry a lot? Hardly.
5. What was the last thing that made you mad? Something.
6. Have you ever been in a physical fight with someone? HAHAHA yeah. Funny now, to think about it.
7. Has there been a time that you wanted to seek revenge? Loads of times.
8. What is your biggest pet peeve? What's that? lol -.-
9. How do you express your anger and frustration? Screaming into a pillow or just crying till I'm satisfied.
10. Is it easy for you to forgive? Too easy. But it depends.

Envy

1. Who are you most jealous of? No one really.
2. What is something you want that your best friend has? Her brains!
3. What is one thing you think you are lacking in life? Hmmm, that's a good question.
4. Do you think of yourself as an envious person? Yeah, I am. But I always always hide it.
5. How would you consider yourself lucky? Sometimes.
6. Unlucky? Most of the time xD
7. Have you ever felt sorry for yourself? Hardly ever.
8. Overall, do you think you have everything you need? For now. camera!
9. Is there anyone that has been envious of you? Yeah, and she actually told me :DD
10. Do you want a better life than what you have? Well, honestly, yeah.

Pride

1. What is your best physical feature? My boobs. HAHAHAHAHA.
2. What do you like most about your personality? I'm too friendly :)
3. How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? 15 minutes.
4. Do you wear a lot of make-up? I never used make-up. Natural beauty bebehh.
5. How often do you go shopping? It's been tooo long mann. Crapp.
6. Are your looks very important to you? Kinda.
7. Would you ever like to be a model? Nope, stressful la for me.
8. What could be improved about your body? My weight x)
9. Do you think that you’re better than others? Never.
10. What is your most embarrassing moment? Waaaay too many to bother remembering them :D

cheer 2008

This was my friends and I at Cheer 2008.
You may not understand why I chose to hang out with these people, but hey, I don't really care.
They're my friends and I would prefer not to discriminate between races.
Sorry to say, my Chinese friends or my ex-DJ friends were somehow too "shy" to say hi to me.
By the way, there were more people but they haven't arrived yet. For the picture, I mean.

Cheers! ;)

where were my true friends? :|

Currently Listening to : Cobra Starship - Guilty Pleasure on repeat
Currently Feeling : Hungry :O

I LOVE this song :)

"I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care about my guilty pleasure for you
shut up cause we won't stop
and we're getting down till the sun's coming up"


Everything's back to normal.
Thank God.
I guess I was just being silly.

Photography with the help of Rafiq was done in a week.
Lucky he had the sudden need of studying, therefore rushing to finish photography.
Thanks, man, we make an awesome team :D

And things with the boyf are much much better.
We're back to normal.
I'm hoping I can see him really soon cos I miss him loaaads.
I love you, sayang :)

And with my friend, he finally called me :D
I guess he missed me as much as I miss him.
I'm was really glad he called.

So, everything's fine now.
But I wanna "thank" all my friends who had been there for me.
And that would make..

NONE.
Yeah, I'm just as surprised that the people I expected to call, or message or IM me, didn't do so.
Not even to ask how I was feeling or lend a shoulder.
I guess I DON'T really have any true friends.
Or maybe some are just too busy with their own lives that they couldn't care less.
Well, I couldn't be bothered. Thanks for being such "true" friends.
You people KNOW who you are.

But, there were people who I didn't expect to care, cared.
They were really nice, doing everything they could to understand me, even though they didn't know me well.
Thanks people, I owe you one.

So, I found out who my true friends were, and I didn't really like the results.
Oh well, I guess life isn't fair.

some people have it so easy

Currently Listening To : Walk Away - Paula DeAnda
Currently Feeling : Awful

Why does life give you things that are so amazing, so awesome, that it makes you feel complete, and maybe for once, truly happy? But of course, there's a catch; it only lasts for awhile. Such a short while that you only manage to get a small taste of its beauty, just like an orgasm. It's just for the moment. And once you're addicted, life takes it all away, just like pulling a tablecloth from underneath everything, and creating a huge mess. It takes it all away, leaving you in the cold and the mud. Alone, with nothing else to put a smile on your face. Its like a beautiful day with the sun shining and all you can think about is that wonderful day you're gonna spend with the one you love most, and all of a sudden the rain starts to pour down, washing away any glint of having fun. Or like you're gambling your life's savings coz things are looking good, lucks on your side and you feel great. But suddenly the tables turn around and you lose everything. One moment, you're on top of the world, confident that there's nothing that can pull you down. Then gravity, or in other words; reality, strikes, and you land face down in the gravel and dirt.

Okay, I'm hearing, "Enough with the emo-fied metaphors already, get to the point!". But really, all those above is what I feel right now. I really felt that way, that everything was taken away from me. Could it be karma? Have I done something to deserve this heavy feeling in my heart? Maybe I did this to myself. Or I should have known things were way too good to be true.

Things were going awesome. I finally finished my photography duties in school, it was now up to the Head Editor to finish up everything. I've done my part. I had skipped loads of classes because of this, causing me to fail miserably in my exams. One month later, and I'm finally catching up with my studies, but my boat was still sinking and the water level in it was not going down much. I was doing whatever I could to stay afloat. I've made a promise to myself AND my teachers that I'll do whatever I can to improve my grades. I even had counsellings for heaven's sake! I thought that that wouldn't be so impossible, I'd just have to lessen my online time and start sweeping the dust off my textbooks. And of course, pay more attention and STOP SLEEPING IN CLASS :D

But nooo, some stupid law in this universe decided that I'm not allowed to have a normal student life. Guess what? Today, my Head Editor shoved a list of classes and societies that pictures need to be RETAKEN. Yes, RE-TA-KEN. REEEEE TAAAAAYYYYY KERRRRRRRN. BOOOOM, there goes any chance of even showing up in class. And the worse part is, the Form 5's and Form 3's will NOT be taking part. Why? Simple. PMRRRRRRR and SPMMMMMM! Rawrrrr!

So yeah, that's one big huge problem. WHYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? :(
MY.SCHOOL.NEEDS.MORE.PHOTOGRAPHERS.THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. MY BOYFRIEND is not helping at all. I made a mistake, the kind of mistake that you should have thought twice before making that decision. But I didn't think twice. Why? I have no idea either. Then I made another mistake, one that I was S T U P I D enough to make. And now my boyf doesn't even want to look at me. Well, technically, he can't coz he lives miles away. But what I mean is, he doesn't treat me the way he used to. Maybe he doesn't realize how much I love him, how much he means to me and what I would do to bring things back to normal. It's been a month and a week. That's not very long, but he stole my heart, and I'm not intending to take it back. But why he's treating me like this, I have no idea. You may think he's just having a bad time, but I'm all ears and he just won't say anything. Not even "I love you" when he hangs up the phone. Not even those "I love you more than anything else" messages that he sends to me at three in the morning for me to read when I wake up for school. Those messages absolutely makes my day. I smile the whole day everytime I think about it, and nothing spoils my mood. Well, none of those anymore.

I don't understand it. Is he playing me? Have I made a mistake? I'm not ready for another heartbreak. I love you, Hafis, but why are you doing this to me? Its no use anyway, he doesn't even know what a blog is.

And through all this, I have this friend, who has been there for me a lot. But he told me he wanted to be more than friends. I told him I couldn't cos my heart was already with someone else. And he couldn't accept that. And he left me. I can't treat him as more than a best friend. But he's gone now. And I know he's not coming back anytime soon. He was my shoulder to lean on whenever I had times like this, and now he's gone. I miss him more and more every minute and I'm just waiting for his phone call :/ Please call me, D.

You may all think these are just petty stuff, but these are the little things that is carving holes into my heart, making more holes in my already-sinking boat. And I can't swim. Not if I'm alone.
All I need is someone to tell me that they love me, and that I'm not all by myself. I've been waiting for that one person to get me back up on my feet and wipe away my tears and say that I'm being silly and that everything's gonna be okay. Where is this person that I need so much? WHERE ARE YOUU? :(

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Although I feeling extremely awful, I'm not a pessimist, I still can put on a fake smile :D
But I AM truly happy about one thing today, which is..

LEW KHEI QI'S 15TH BIRTHDAY!

Omgg, dear I'm so sorry I'm being such a self-centered emotional bitch on your birthday. You know I love you right sayang ♥ !
Have fun getting ready for PMR HAHAHAHHA! :)
I PROMISE we'll go shopping one day and buy each other b'day presents yeahh.
I miss you okayy! muahh.
Oh, and fyi that picture was taken donkey years ago. My hair was still long -.-


Ohh and btw,
Panic At The Disco is performing tomorrow and I just found out yesterday!

I WANNAAAA GOOOOOOO! :(

HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN EARLIER :(
Memang bodoh. I'm such a terrible fan!
Oh well :|

And one more thing,

I LOVE DURIANS OKAY.

They rock. Love the smell. Dunno why others hate 'em.

And I changed my braces colour again. They're now purple, light blue, light green and white. I think.
Another piece of good news is, I'm TRYING to talk to my ex again. I mean, why not right? What's wrong with being friends with the guy who stole my heart and tore it into a million pieces? No, I don't see anything wrong with that picture. Do you?

Okay, perhaps I AM going crazy.

with tears and fake smiles,
denise(: