the difference

I don't know if any of you have noticed , but there's a difference in my old blog , and my new one . Yeah , there is . Not in the way I write , or how often I update , but a difference in me . It's something big , it's something that represents how I chose to live my life . I changed , because of a reason .

If you're wondering what this huge fuss is about , and you haven't already realised , I used to be a HUGE bitch . Yeah , a bitch . That's because I used to change my crushes like I was changing underwear . I would talk and rant about a guy for a week or so ( and NO , that's not how often I change underwear ! ) , then when I tell him I like him but he doesn't like me back , or I just get bored , I'll just move on to the next available , good-looking guy . Really , the thought of that kind of attitude makes me disgusted at my own self .

And what changed me ? This was what changed me .

There was this new guy in our school earlier this year . He was tall , extremely good-looking, a shuffler ( I liked shufflers at that time hahahaha ) , and he hung out with my group of friends at that time . At first , we were just friends , we hardly spoke to each other except when we occasionally asked each other to belanja something ( if that makes any sense at all ! ) . I would steal glances at him as many times as I could , and I found myself really enjoying his company .

Then there was the day , it a Saturday and our school had the Annual co-curriculum meeting . So my sister and I went , but we did mostly lepaking at the playground near our school . In this playground , was a concrete landing where we all sat laughing and joking around . Then someone put on some shuffle music and the above said guy started shuffling away . My best friend asked me to join , so I did ( yes , amazingly enough I can shuffle without falling or looking like a fool , yay ! ) . We all ended up landing on top of each other laughing . When the guy helped me up , that was it . I felt that stupid spark telling me I officially liked him . And I know it was such a stupid thing to fall for , but it must have been something in the way he looked at me .

Over the next few days , we would talk even more and spend more time with each other even though we were in different classes . Then there was one day , I told my best friend , who also happened to be closest to him at this point , that I liked him . So being the blabber mouth my friend was , he told that guy I liked him . After that , I tried as much as I could to avoid him , I had no idea why , I usually liked to spend more time with the guy I liked . But anyway , one day , his sister told MY sister that he likes me too . I was really really happy .

Then , one day in a packed corridor after recess , I walked pass him and he called out to me . He said that he wanted to meet me after school , at the usual place we hang out at . I was super stunned and I just stammered out an "Okay." . He prolly thought I looked weird standing with an O on my face . But ANYWAY , after school , I rushed out of the class and half walked , half ran to the place . I sat next to him and asked what was up . He asked why have I been avoiding him and my heart fluttered at the thought that he noticed I have been avoiding him . And I couldn't answer so I just smiled and looked down .

So we talked for quite a bit when he finally popped the question. This was how it went.

HE ME

So , Ezrul told me you liked me . Is that true ?
Erm , did he ?
Yeah he did. *smiles that stupid smile that had got me into this situation*
Well , I guess I kinda do.
Oh really , that's awesome.
Haha yeah , it is .
Okay , I'm just gonna get to the point , I like you too , so will you be my girlfriend ?
*FAINTS*

Okay , no I didn't faint , but I felt like it . Anyway , of course I said YES ! Btw , the conversation was in Malay , I just translated it .

So the first two weeks were just amazing . He said he was in love with me , I was just on top of the world . After a while , I made the biggest mistake ever . I fell in love with him too . He was c o n s t a n t l y on my mind , and I would spent every waking second without him thinking about when I was going to see him again . I loved the moments we were together , holding hands and him telling me how cute I was while pinching my cheeks . I was seriously in love . I told him everything about me and he told me everything about him , including that he smokes . My picture was on him MySpace and his picture was on mine . We called each other everyday and sat together everyday in the canteen . We were kinda inseparable . And lots of people hated it . People talked about us and some girls really bitched about me . But hey , I didn't care , they were just jealous .

Then there was Sports Day . A few days before that , he was already showing signs of being bored with me so I tried my best to make him happy . But during the whole of Sports Day in the stadium , he totally ignored me . I couldn't take it so I walked up to him while he was playing a game on his phone .

ME HE

Hey you.
Yeah, hey. *without looking up from his game*
What's wrong ? Are you okay ? I'm kinda worried about you.
It's nothing, Dee, I'm fine .
Really , then , why are u avoiding me ?
I'm sorry.
Is that it ?
Yeah , I'm playing my game, can you talk to me later?
Well , you've been playing your dumb game the whole day , can we talk now?
*looks up*
Thank you.
Can I help you ?
I'm your GIRLFRIEND , why are you doing this ?
I'm sorry Dee.
What, do you wanna break up ?
*looks down* Do you ?
Well , no , unless there's a perfectly good reason.
I think I'm not ready for a relationship Dee.
Why ? Did I do something wrong? Please , I love you.
No , Dee , its got nothing to do with you , I love you too .
Then WHY ?
I don't know , I just can't be with you.
What ? Cos other people don't like us together ?
Kinda .
Why do you care bout what they think ?
I don't know Dee, I just DO . Is it okay that we break up ?
Well , I don't see logic in staying in a relationship with you when you already don't want me , so fine .
It's not that I don't like you anymore , I still do , I just can't be with you.

So that was it . The rest was just us agreeing to still be friends and me running off 5 minutes later to the toilet crying my eyes out .

But months past after that , and we never spoke a WORD to each other , I couldn't even be in the same place as him , let alone look at him . And the worst part about it was that my best friend just broke up with MY SISTER so it was kind of awkward to see him . We were all just falling apart . And I still wasn't over him .

Three months later , I found myself being more comfortable around him than I was , and I didn't mind hanging out with my best friend again . Things were getting back to normal , but I still knew I still wasn't over him . This was because , I knew if he coupled with someone else , it would just kill me . Finally , the time came when he did , he was with this girl he met at during Zapin . She was average , and kinda unknown so people didn't talk about them . HAHA I know that is really perasanted of me , indirectly saying that I was known , but its the TRUTH . Haha .
But strangely enough , I didn't find myself falling apart , or crying my heart out cos he was with someone else . I was actually happy that he was . I was over him .

So NOW , I'm kinda lazy to like anyone just as much . I'm fine with being friends but nothing more . Although , there IS this guy I met at church that I really enjoy being with . We'll just let time tell huh :)

Anyway , I know this was a really cheesy love story to you ( if you read any of it at all ) but it was big enough to change me . I fell in love and it broke me . But I'm okay now so thank God :)